I still haven’t internalized God’s grace fully. I thought I had, but here I am again, trying to earn it and wearing myself out in the process.
It began with the surgery to save my life in 2018 and it went into hyper-drive during the pandemic: this drive to fix myself, to somehow live fully worthy and fully ready for eternity. My undiagnosed illness keeps me constantly aware of my mortality. The coronavirus simply made me more aware. So, I kicked myself into gear, to be ready for death at any moment. To live every moment well. I’ve tried to finish all the projects, clean all the closets, write down all the things I’m learning in the pandemic for posterity, cook everyone’s favorite foods, and on and on.
Today, a friend reminded me of God’s grace and how he pours it out on me freely, generously. She was trying to help me realize that God isn’t looking for me to be less broken or more ready for eternity. He simply wants me to know him more.
“I thought I had already learned that,” I said.
She smiled, “Nicole, this takes a lifetime. We all change, life’s circumstances change and change us, and we need to relearn these lessons about God’s character in each new phase of life.”
Sanctification
This is the process of sanctification. We learn more of God and become more dependent on him to sustain us, to enable us, and to bring himself glory through us. Sanctification doesn’t happen in one moment or in one day or in one lesson. It is a gradual reshaping of our character by God, as He gently and patiently draws us to be more of who He created us to be.
This is the process I am in right now and perhaps you are too. We all begin the process on the day of our salvation. We learn and grow and progress in the process. Also, at certain life events, the process of sanctification takes huge jumps forward. For me, those include the surgery on my lungs during my pregnancy, our move to North Carolina, the surgery to remove my lung, and now, the quarantine.
Isolation and Sanctification
I’ve noticed a fascinating thread through each of those life events: isolation. I wonder if the same is true for you. If I told you the story of each of those events (and perhaps I will one day), I would tell you that circumstances forced me to go through pieces of those events alone. And in each event, that aloneness drew me closer to Jesus, because He was the only one who could truly, fully be with me for the duration. As He drew me near to Him, I learned more about Him and that knowledge changed me.
That’s the crux. Sanctification happens when we learn more of God’s character.
Currently, in this quarantine, God has been revealing to me thoughts I have held about Him that are not true.
God needs me to work hard to be worthy of all the beautiful things He has given me: friendships, family, meaningful work, a strong mind, a second chance at life.
God’s gifts come after I earn them.
God loves me (more) when I rely on Him (more) to be the best person, friend, wife, mother, co-worker I can be.
God has put me in isolation to learn and grow, so I shouldn’t waste this opportunity.
I could make a strong argument against every one of those thoughts and it would all be truth. But the logical argument won’t help me feel any differently. I need something more than logic. The truth is, I need sound counseling and I need to internalize God’s unconditional love more deeply.
God’s word tells me I am beloved. (Deut 33:12)
God’s word tells me I am of infinite intrinsic worth. (Matt 10:30-31)
God’s word tells me I have a friend closer than a brother. (Prov 18:24)
God’s word tells me I am never alone. (Deut 31:6; Matt 28:20)
As I’ve talked with some trusted people about this process of repairing broken thinking, I’ve noticed three things:
All Christians have some broken thinking about God that needs correction.
People with health issues like mine (ie. chronic illness, rare disease, life-threatening illness) are easily isolated making it easier to get trapped in the cycles of stinkin’ thinking.
Stacked grief (is that a real term?) in which multiple hard circumstances all line up together in time (a quarantine, a death, uncertainty about school this fall, uncertainty about the economy, social unrest, etc.) will also reveal stinkin’ thinking.
The very fact that you are reading this article tells me that you probably fit into one, two or all three of those categories. So, may I offer you the encouragement I am offering myself?
No Condemnation
The isolation caused by the quarantine is sifting and bringing to the surface some stinkin’ thinking that needs to be dealt with. Removed. Cut off. This is the refining work of our loving Father. This is not punishment. Lean into it. Hold onto grace which says, “I love you with an everlasting love.” And remember the promise of Romans 8:1, “There is therefore, now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” NO condemnation. None. God is with you in this and he loves you. Period.
Also, now is the time to reach out to a friend to share some of your broken thinking. Especially now while we are all so isolated. God created us to live in community for our mutual benefit. I have found it to be true time and time again that when I share honestly about these broken thought patterns, I am encouraged by my friend and she is also encouraged by my vulnerability and by my trust in her to help carry me to Jesus. We do this together. Our part is to be honest about our needs with our closest friends.
A Prayer
Lord, refine my heart by your word. Make it new, suitable for your purposes. With my thoughts, may I know you more. With my heart, may I love you more. With my soul, may I surrender to your ways more. Today and for eternity, Soli Deo Gloria.