Finding Peace When Things Can't Be Fixed

In the past six weeks, we lost two loved ones suddenly and tragically. One died in a head-on traffic accident. The other died in bed of a heart attack.

In the past four weeks, one child cried because he misses his friends. Another left the room with a final declaration, “I’m so done with the quarantine.”

In the past two weeks, we went camping and it was colder than we expected. My husband gave it his best shot but with temps dipping into the 30’s, he sent me home to sleep in a warm bed. “I’m afraid I can’t keep you warm enough tonight,” he admitted.

There will always be things out of our control. Things we can’t fix. Since my lungs bled, it seems my family has been in a Master Class on “Things That Can’t be Fixed.” Broken blood vessels. Weak lungs. A pandemic that sent us into isolation. And now, as the state re-opens, we must stay home because that’s the safest choice. There’s really nothing we can do about that.

So what can we do?

Find Peace When Things Can’t Be Fixed

Thankfully, there are a few things we can do to live in the tension and move forward with peace and hope.

Admit that you can’t fix it.
This isn’t fun, but it’s truth and it’s so much easier to work with truth, even hard truth, than an illusion. Admitting our limitations, our humanness, can be a starting place for moving forward through a really tough situation. Personally, this is the hardest step for me. It means I have to admit I’m weak and that I need help. It also means some things can’t be fixed by hard work, research, growth, elbow grease, or any other human effort. I can’t make my lungs stop growing broken blood vessels. We can’t bring back the dead.
Remember that God knows.
Listen, God is sovereign over everything. There’s nothing he doesn’t already know. Nothing he can’t change. He can redeem anything. In his perfect time, all will be made right. You are not alone in your broken situation. God sees you. You are never alone.
Find one thing good.
It may seem that no good thing can come out of a pandemic, or a death, or a job loss or any or other broken situation. But with God, we are not overcome by these losses. Look hard. Can you see perseverance growing in you or your children? Can you find new compassion for a friend? Can you sense God’s presence more clearly? There is something good to be found. Find it. And then praise God for it.

What Happens When We Praise God

I’m studying 1 & 2 Timothy with a few girlfriends this summer and in it Paul instructs Timothy to pray “that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness.” (1 Tim 2:1-2) We discussed the different aspects of prayer and how praying could bring us peace even in yucky circumstances beyond our control.

You know this already, but prayer isn’t just asking God for what we want. Prayer starts with acknowledging who God is and what he has done. Prayer includes confessing where we fall short and why we need God’s grace. Praying extends beyond ourselves as we ask for God to take action in the lives of others. And, of course, yes, prayer includes asking God for what we need as well.

In my life, I have found prayer to bring peace despite the circumstances of my life on any given day. When I start by praising God for who he is, his unchanging character, my thoughts are placed in proper perspective. God is so much bigger, so much higher, so much more able to take care of me than I am. This is right thinking and it leads to right feelings, as John Piper has said.

Praising God is sometimes difficult when life is spinning out of control or I’m hurt or I’m frustrated. It’s completely ok to begin a prayer like David with a big, “Where are you God?! Have you forgotten me?!” But let me tell you a truth…. even if I start there, and progress through a list of demands carefully disguised as requests, God will bring me back around to praise him at the end. It’s as if my heart must cry out the ugly bits in order to get to the bits of truth, “Oh right. You’ve been with me all along. I knew that, I just forgot for a second as I lost my mind. I’ve got it back now. Thank you, God.”

Neuroscience and Praise

I’m always reading and learning more about neurodevelopment. It’s just part of being an adoptive mom of neurodiverse kids. One thing I recently learned is that when we are stressed, a neurochemical floods the brain and physically changes our ability to access certain parts of our brain, usually keeping us from utilizing our PFC or logic center. So, stress = lack of access to logical thinking. This explains why when my kid is crying about the quarantine, words like, “It won’t be forever,” or “At least you can play with your sister,” really don’t help him at all.

What we need is a different neurochemical to counteract the stress neurochemical. It’s not difficult to get that “good” neurochemical to flood the brain, usually some physical exertion or some regulated breathing will do the job. Once the “good” neurochemcial floods our brain, it brings the PFC back online and we can talk out our stress using our logic center. The problem is that when we are stressed or angry, we usually don’t want to do the thing that will help us. We resist it. Who wants to do ten jumping jacks or six deep breaths when what we really feel like doing is yelling and kicking and punching a hole in the wall because our lives our broken and, Can’t you see that things will never get fixed?!

We simply need to learn to do the thing that will help even when we don’t feel like it. This is just as true about praising God. We may feel like ranting at him but that won’t help us calm down and remember that he loves us, that he’s for us, and that he’s in control. We need to praise him! Sure, praise him when things are going great and you feel like singing in a meadow like Maria in The Sound of Music. But also, praise him when you don’t feel like it and watch to see what happens. In God’s perfect design, praising him floods our minds with “good” neurochemicals (so we can remember his character) and fills our hearts with peace.

Praising God is the key to finding peace when things can’t be fixed.

Live Peaceful and Quiet Lives

When our brother-in-law died, Chris went to be with his sister. He spent two weeks in her home, helping her in a thousand different ways. I found myself crying out like David, “Why God?” That gut-wrenching prayer wasn’t answered but it led me to see what God was doing as the two weeks unfolded. It led me to praise.

I found myself praising God, “Thank you for arranging our lives so that Chris can be there now to show love with his presence. Thank you for teaching us so much through adopting kids who have lost family so that Chris can love on our nephews in a therapeutic way right now. God you waste nothing. I praise you that this horrible death has allowed me to reassure our kids that they will never lose their family again and that their cousins will not become orphans. You knew this event could be used to build a firm foundation in their hearts. Help me to keep seeing these things, Lord.” Those prayers didn’t change the situation, but they brought me real peace.

There will be broken pieces of your life that you can’t fix. It’s what you do to “live peaceful and quiet lives of godliness and holiness” that matters most. Admit the truth. Remember you aren’t alone in it. Find ways to praise God in your circumstances and let him change your heart in the process. Then do what you can in full dependence on him.

What is one good thing you can praise God for to find peace in your circumstances?

17 Quick Resources for You

These articles and podcasts will take you from discouraged to hopeful in 0-30 minutes (depending on what you pick). These resources will help you find hope, right now.