We don't know what's causing all the haywire in my lungs. There are those who really want to to know: three of my doctors, my mother... And there are those who seem to not care: some specialists that confirmed I don't have any disease in their field of medicine, thank you very much, on your way now. But me? I haven't really needed to know. This crazy-making in my lungs is just another non-sensical problem in a line of problems my body has created. My whole life has been unanswered medical problems. So, me? I was content in not knowing. I'll even go so far as to say that I don't think they'll find an answer, because there isn't one. I'm ok with that. (I thought.)
For some reason, a new discontentment has been stirring in my soul. I whispered it to God this week, "I want to know what's causing my body to fail me. I want to see the monster and name it."
I haven't wanted that before. At first, I thought I wanted to know so that I could name the monster, to have a target and shoot my anger arrows at it. But then I had to admit that, no, that's not what I want. I'm not angry anymore. Those hots tears were spilt last summer. God bottled them up and kissed them away. The grief, the anger, the sadness have all gone away. What's left are scars that are healing. I don't want to name the monster to be angry at it. I just want to know it.
I want to SEE what's wrong inside me. Sometimes, I dream that I can unzip my body, step outside of it, turn and face it and tell it how disappointed I am. Bad body!
But what would that get me? Nothing. It's pointless.
I want clearer vision. Crystal clear. Eyes that are open to what's going on in this body that I feel is a stranger to me. Once I realized that VISION is what I wanted, I asked God to give it to me. "Open my eyes, Lord. Show me what's going on inside me."
And clear as a bell, I heard Him speak in my heart, "Dear One, you already know what you will see."
Did I? I made myself be still. Very still. And God reminded me of Elisha's story in 2 Kings 6.
At the time, the King of Syria wanted to battle the King of Israel. Every time he sent troops to stage a battle, Elisha warned the King of Israel so that he didn't send troops to the same area. No battle. Time and time again.
Finally, the King of Syria, vexed at being thwarted over and over, decided to find and kill Elisha, the annoying thorn in his side.
He called his officers together and said, “Tell me, who is leaking information to the king of Israel? Who is the spy in our ranks?” But one of his men said, “No, my master, dear king. It’s not any of us. It’s Elisha the prophet in Israel. He tells the king of Israel everything you say, even what you whisper in your bedroom.” The king said, “Go and find out where he is. I’ll send someone and capture him.” The report came back, “He’s in Dothan.” Then he dispatched horses and chariots, an impressive fighting force. They came by night and surrounded the city.
2 Kings 6:11-14 (Message)
That's a mighty force to "capture" just one man! One prophet, not even a soldier! If I were Elisha, I might have felt afraid, overwhelmed, confused. I might have felt angry at the injustice of the situation. Perhaps trapped, defeated. Truly, how can he live through that kind of attack? The enemy seemed much bigger and more powerful than little ol' Elisha.
Early in the morning a servant of the Holy Man got up and went out. Surprise! Horses and chariots surrounding the city! The young man exclaimed, “Oh, master! What shall we do?” He said, “Don’t worry about it—there are more on our side than on their side.” Then Elisha prayed, “O God, open his eyes and let him see.” The eyes of the young man were opened and he saw. A wonder! The whole mountainside full of horses and chariots of fire surrounding Elisha!
2 Kings 6:15-17 (Message)
Horses of fire. Chariots of fire. Surrounding Elisha. A ring of fire. How would the soldiers of the King of Syria get through that?! They wouldn't. And that's the point.
God was telling me that it didn't matter what the monster is inside my chest. I could see it if I wanted to, but with that vision, God would also show me his angel-soldiers surrounding me, fighting for my life. The monster lives 1 inch below my skin. But it can't really get to me. Not the real me. The me that is heart and soul. That me is protected by a ring of holy fire.
Contentment has returned. I don't need to know. Which is great, because we may never know. What I DO need to know is that God is with me. And He will ALWAYS help me see that.
When trouble surrounded me, I cried out to the Eternal; He answered me and brought me to a wide, open space. The Eternal is with me, so I will not be afraid of anything. If God is on my side, how can anyone hurt me?
Psalm 118:5-6 (The VOICE transl.)