Not So Infinite


My sweet neighbor has been through a lot the past two years.  No, a ton!  Death of her husband. Emergency surgery for a fall gone bad. Death of a brother. And now, a brother in Florida homeless (literally) in the wake of Hurricane Michael.  His wife fell during evacuation.  Emergency surgery meant they rode out the storm in the battened-down hospital.  Geez!She shared the latest through tears and clenched teeth.  "Can it just stop?  Or slow down?  I don't think I can take any more!"    

Words are inadequate when a soul is weeping.  A hug is the only right response.  I hugged with my arms and sighed in my soul.  I understood the feeling.  Deeply.

I'm feeling too much.  It's an odd place to be for a girl who used to not feel enough.  But this is the place I'm in.I'm not fighting it.  I don't want to be numb.  I'm in a place where messy is ok.  I have time and space to think and feel.  I have friends who listen through my meandering words and understand my heart as it bleeds all over our coffee.   It's hard to control.  I can't put the tears back in the bottle.  That's ok.

You keep track of all my sorrows.You have collected all my tears in your bottle.You have recorded each one in your book. ~ Psalm 56:8 (NLT)

I find myself circling back to this prayer.  Chanting it over and over.  "How much more, God?  This is too much."  I'm bumping up against my limits.  My finite-ness.  Which makes me wonder...How does God do it?  He is infinite, which doesn't just refer to his eternality, his "no beginning and no end"-ness.   Infinite means no limits.  No limit to his understanding of me in all my complexity.  No limit to his ability to comfort me and enable me and change me.  No limit to his love for me right where I am.Amen.  And AMEN!But, where my finiteness limits my ability to bear these burdens... so that I physically can NOT feel one ounce more of sadness, NOT be able to cry one more tear..., His infiniteness means he feels it all.  ALL.  There is no limit to his love, yes.  But there is also no limit to his grief.  If I am grieving for my sick friends, my suffering friends, isn't he grieving more?  Isn't he grieving EVERY illness?  EVERY suffering?  The very thought overwhelms me.

Oh my aching soul!  Hope breaks through!  This will not break me.  It will not be more than I can bear.  I bump agains my limits, suffering by suffering, overwhelmed till I cannot pray another prayer.  Praise Jesus for my finiteness!  My hope is in the infinite tender care of Jesus who carries my every burden.  It is not mine to carry alone.  It is not mine to carry for everyone.

The nights of crying your eyes outgive way to days of laughter. ~ Psalm 30:5 (The Message Transl.)