It was while I was pregnant that we learned about the broken blood vessels in my lungs. My pregnancy had been moving along normally and I barely had a relationship with by obstetrician.  But within hours of my first lung bleed, at six months gestation, my obstetrician fired me as her patient. Like a hot potato, she could not get rid of me fast enough.  

My new doctor, a Perinatologist who oversees high risk pregnancies, had a completely different reaction. Dr. Towner, all four feet tall of her, confidently walked into my exam room with a smile that immediately put me at ease.  She and her partners weren’t quite sure what was going on in my lungs but they wanted to help. They would work as a team to try to get me and my baby to full term, alive.

What a contrast. One doctor turned me away, the other doctor welcomed me. One doctor lacked the wisdom she needed and was frightened by it, the other doctor acknowledged her lack of wisdom and moved forward with caution and humility. With such a contrast, it was tempting to put all my trust in the perinatologist. But with every new bleed, the lack of answers the doctors could give caused me to remain cautious and keep my trust in check.  In the end, it was only by God’s grace that my son and I lived through my pregnancy.  That my son lived at all is pure miracle.

Psalm 20:7 (TPT) tells us, “Some find their strength in their weapons and wisdom, but my miracle-deliverance can never be won by men.”  For as long as my lungs have bled, I have wanted a doctor with enough wisdom to explain why my body continues to grow bad blood vessels and how to stop it from growing more.  That would be a miracle. 

For years, I thought that doctor was out there.  I thought that person could bring me strength and victory over my physical weakness, if only I could find her. It wasn’t until 2018 that I realized my miracle-delivering doctor does not exist.  

No Victory from Man’s Widsom

Chris and I were at UC San Francisco meeting with a specialist.  In a small white room barely bigger than a closet, this doctor pulled up a chair facing us so that we were almost touching knee-to-knee. “Tell me your story,” he said.  As we did, he listened intently, only interrupting a few times to add his perspective.  Near the end, he said, “I wonder if you have a form of CF.  I doubt it, but we should rule that out.”  CF!!  I felt the room close in and began to cry.  Cystic Fibrosis (CF), is a disease in which the lungs can’t move fluid out normally.  The result is a daily build up of fluid that causes repeated infections and usually ends in death at a young age.  (There have been great advances in just the past few years so that people with CF are now living much longer!) This compassionate doctor noticed my fear and placed a hand on my knee to get me to look into his eyes, “I didn’t mean to scare you.”  

The specialist could confidently tell us what my disease was NOT, but he couldn’t tell us what my disease WAS. Can you relate?

Compassion goes a long way in helping a suffering person endure the unimaginable.  While we appreciate compassionate doctors, what we really want is answers.  Like oxygen in our lungs, we need wisdom to survive this repeated disappointments.

As Chris and I processed what we knew, what we didn’t know, and what our game plan for the future would be we decided to stop looking for the perfect doctor and trust God with my physical life.  That was the moment we stopped hoping in the wisdom of doctors for my deliverance from future bleeds. 

Find Victory in God

Psalm 20:7 finishes boldly, “Our boast is in Yahweh our God, who makes us strong and gives us victory!”  The name of the Lord our God is Yahweh, I AM (Exodus 3:14).  His very name is the foundation of our faith.   We can stand confidently on this bold promise from God, “Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand” (Isaiah 41:10).

Sometimes, we need to find the limit of human strength and wisdom to accept that they cannot help us.  Finding that limit can be disappointing and we may be tempted to despair.  But on the other side of human limits we find hope in the infinite strength and wisdom of God.  Where man’s abilities end we can find a new beginning — to trust “in the name of the Lord our God.”

When has the strength and wisdom of man disappointed you?  How will you let that disappointment lead you to hope in the victorious name of I AM?

I love sending my subscribers special goodies and encouragement straight to their inbox. One of those goodies is a list of 12 Verses to Help You Endure. I’d love to send it to you.