I have a scar that begins under my right shoulder blade, moves in an arc around my side, under my arm and ends just barely on my front side.  This is where doctors spread wide my ribs and removed part of my lungs.

The scar itself isn’t too ugly, thankfully.  I can wear tank tops and swimsuits that give a little glimpse without fear that someone will throw up when they see it.  The real problem with my scar is that it is numb.  It has been numb for three years. 

Numb means I can’t feel the skin around my scar.  I can’t feel an accidental scratch or bug bite. I can’t feel Chris’ hand when he wraps his arm around my back drawing me closer to him.  I can feel the pressure of a touch, but I cannot feel the touch.

Feeling numb is helpful during and after a thoracotomy but permanent numbness isn’t good for anyone.

Too Numb (also known as Post-Surgical Depression)

And yet, for many, the physical numbness that comes with surgery moves into the soul creating emotional and spiritual numbness. Surgery is trauma, not just to the tissues of your body, but also to the deep places within you, the real you. This is true of any trauma. In our house, we live with adoption trauma. Perhaps you live with marital trauma, trauma from abuse, or trauma from the death of a loved one. It can all cause a numbness that settles deep within you, a numbness that requires some work to move beyond.

The Bible gives us a clear example of numbness in the story of Joseph. Jacob was deceived into believing that his most beloved son, Joseph, died in an attack by a wild animal.  He grieved for years, decades.  In fact, Jacob never got over the death of his son.

When Jacob learned his son Joseph was alive, it’s interesting that his first response was nothing more than disbelief.  Genesis 45:26 says Jacob was “numb.”

Numb.  Jacob was numb so he couldn’t believe the report.  He was numb so he couldn’t believe God could deliver on the promise to make his children more numerous than he could count. He was too numb to hope that God could do a miracle and Joseph could indeed be alive.  

Numb doesn’t mean you no longer want to feel.  It means, you’ve been through so much, you can’t feel.  System overload.  Too many hurts.  Too much pain.  Too tired to try again.  

Numb means your heart has put up a sign, “Closed for business.”

It’s understandable. My counselor said, “Feeling numb after being overwhelmed by medical trauma is normal.” Feeling numb from overwhelm is understandable and normal, but let me be very clear: being numb is not healthy.  We need to feel.  Being able to feel keeps us healthy, like feeling a scratch or a bug bite warns us that our skin needs to be cleaned to stave off an infection.  Being able to feel also keeps us thriving, like feeling Chris’ hand on my back reminds me of our relationship, our love, and his protection of me.

We may feel numb physically and/or emotionally when we are overwhelmed, and that’s ok. But let’s never stay there.  Give yourself permission to move forward at your own pace and with the support that you need. What might that look like? Well….

From Numb to Revived

The area around my scar is slowly regaining feeling but it’s been a slow and painful process.  Sometimes, I feel sharp pains at the front edge of the scar, in the area near the rib that was intentionally broken during surgery.  I asked my doctor about these sharp pains and you’ll never guess his explanation of it: my nerves are healing!  As my nerves regenerate in the area where they were damaged, my nervous system is learning to feel again.  Sometimes the messages get mixed up.  Sometimes, instead of sending a message of a gentle touch, my nerves send a message of pain.  The good news is, I can feel!  And in time, the mixed up messages will lessen. My body is doing its own work of moving from numb to feeling.  It just needs time.

Life and delight and joy were Jacob’s reward for working through the process of moving from numb to feeling. The next verse in Genesis tells us that Jacob needed more information to move from numb to feeling. “But when they told him all the words of Joseph, which he had said to them, and when he saw the wagons that Joseph had sent to carry him, the spirit of their father Jacob revived.”  Jacob had faith in God.  His sorrow had simply made it difficult to act on that faith.  The Bible doesn’t give us any hint that God was disappointed in Jacob for his lack of faith or his numbness.  But it does reveal the wonderful results of Jacob’s revived heart: he was reunited with his son and his family was protected during a famine.  Jacob needed more information, reminders of the faithfulness of God.

What do you need to move from numb to feeling? Certainly you’ll need time. Perhaps you need a counselor. Maybe medication for anxiety and depression. Or maybe just a good friend to sit with you and listen to your worries. Whatever it is, pursue it. Fight to feel again.

Fight to Feel

I don’t have an active role in my body’s process of nerve regeneration.  But when it comes to my faith and emotions, the work of moving from numb to feeling is entirely my responsibility.  I must be intentional. 

My story doesn’t involve the death of a child, but like Jacob I came to a place of numbness. Chronic illness, near-death experiences, and daily adoption trauma have taken their toll on my heart.  In a season of overwhelm, feeling nothing was safer than feeling hurt and defeated.  I needed the help of a professional Christian counselor to move back into the feeling world.  It was work, let me tell you.  But it was good work.

Friend, fight to keep feeling.  Fight to keep your heart wide open to the possibility that God is still at work.  Still able to do more than you can ask or imagine (Eph 3:20).  Still powerful enough to redeem the impossible (Joel 2:25).  To raise the dead to life (John 11).  To heal the blind (John 9).  To comfort the widow (Duet 10:18).  To give the orphan a family (Ps 68:6).  To work in your body, in your relationships, and in your heart.  

He can redeem anything… in His time. 

Don’t stay numb.

Let’s Be Email Friends

If you found this page through a Google search, I know two things about you:

1. You are dealing with some hard stuff, probably surgery, maybe some other trauma.

2. You are in need of encouragement.

I’ve been in your shoes. Let me encourage you that hope is never inappropriate. Join my community and I’ll send encouragement to your inbox twice a month. Plus, I’ll send you 17 Quick Resources for Chronically Ill Christians right now. Whether you have 30 seconds or 30 minutes, there is a resource in this list that will lead you to hope today.